Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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