i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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