Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Duck Duck Cougar?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
