it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
