Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
