I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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