Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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