The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
