1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
