I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
