If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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