Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
