How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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