Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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