On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize