My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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