After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
