My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
