Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
