I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
