This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
