I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
