I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
