I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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