Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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