I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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