Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
