All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
