What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
