I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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