dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
