you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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