I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
