Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
