i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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