dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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