dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
