he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
