I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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