i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
