I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
