She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My breasts were aching with rage.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
