i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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