i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
