I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Also, beer. Big fan.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize