i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
