you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
