No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
