At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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