I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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