He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
