I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
