Joe is yelling at the trees again.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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