Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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