Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize