The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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