This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
