She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
